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Planet C4La · Season One · Episode 1
ISLANDS
SEASON ONE, EPISODE 1 — WHERE THE RIVALRY BEGINS.
4:23 · 1080P · HALO: THE MASTER CHIEF COLLECTION
A Planet-Earth-style nature-documentary parody of the C4La squad. Before any nemesis existed: the origin story, in real footage from Blood Gulch and MCC, of a squad that loses constantly and calls itself heroes anyway. Narrated in a synthetic AI parody of David Attenborough's voice. Not a real recording.
Transcript · automatic · 78 lines 0:00 Two shores, one empty, worthless valley between them. 0:06 Neither side remembers who claimed it first. 0:09 Both are absolutely certain it was them. 0:14 Here, territory is not one. 0:17 It is borrowed back and forth, 0:21 sometimes 11 times in a single evening, 0:25 by two populations who have never once agreed to stop. 0:31 Red Team has the flying. 0:33 Roo! 0:43 Red Team, flying return. 0:46 Red Team. 0:47 Every population has one. 0:50 This individual betrays his own allies with such warmth and consistency that 0:57 nobody even calls it betrayal anymore. They call it Tuesday. Somehow everyone 1:05 still wants him on their team. 1:07 The elective is betraying some other team somewhere. 1:12 That's not a surprise. 1:14 He stays on brand. 1:16 He's pretty good for such a betrayer. 1:19 He's on the goo. 1:21 The efficient predator does not linger after the kill. 1:26 Here, the only complaint is that the killer had the audacity to still be alive to enjoy it. 1:35 Say I don't have to kill me, you don't have the courtesy to live on. 1:39 Very much. 1:40 And then, without any help at all, the local three-ton land vehicle rolls itself completely 1:49 over. 1:51 The landing is not a success. 1:54 The commitment to trying is somehow magnificent. 1:59 Did I just be... 2:02 Who did I betray? 2:03 You just... 2:04 You betrayed me. 2:05 Oh, I'm sorry. 2:06 I just flipped a three-ton warthog in my head. 2:09 Yeah, but the biggest I flip it was such hot. 2:13 That sounds dead. 2:14 It is entirely possible on an island this small 2:19 to feel completely alone 2:21 while four grown men are actively trying to kill you. 2:26 This species has not solved that problem. 2:29 It has simply stopped mentioning it 2:32 and started calling that resilience. 2:35 You know what that's like. 2:36 like. 2:43 I must be in the isolated part of this building. 2:48 Can you die from... oh! Isolation. Dang it. 2:53 I was gonna say from standing in the portal too long. It was an accident. 2:57 It was not an accident. 3:00 There are no accidents. Three claims, two voices, zero regret. 3:06 Somehow they're friends again by the next round, 3:10 which is honestly the more impressive feat. 3:15 Or kill me. 3:16 What? Why'd you kill me, you idiot? 3:18 It says you are betrayed by you. 3:20 It was an accident. 3:22 It's great. 3:23 It was not an accident. 3:24 By the end of the night, 3:26 nobody has technically taken the island. 3:30 The scoreboard, if you looked closely, 3:33 was not kind, 3:34 And yet, they radio in like conquerors, they talk like legends, 3:40 and somewhere between the two, against all reasonable evidence, 3:45 they actually become them. 3:47 In this species, that's what winning looks like. 3:55 Oh, that's pretty good. 3:57 Oh, he's a teabag at me. 3:59 No, you just got killed and he's teabagging. 4:04 That was a good game. 4:05 An etiquette for teabagging. 4:07 And that ain't it. 4:08 No, you don't have teabagging when you've lost to me. 4:11 That's what it's for. 4:12 That's like that ding-dong noob. 4:13 It's a war of wisdom right there. 4:14 He ate a chip. 4:15 He wasn't even killing somebody. 4:16 That's not what it is. Machine transcript of the final mix: squad names corrected, profanity masked. Tap a line to play it.
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